The day before our wedding
was the first time we saw each other in four months.
And somehow, we just did it.
I don't remember it being all that hard.
I was working.
Planning a wedding.
Writing a book.
I wasn't alone.
Maybe the difference is that now we're married.
The house I'm in alone is our house.
The bed I sleep in
has a giant, gaping hole where he used to sleep
(okay, not really because the dog has claimed that spot as hers now, but you get the point.)
We're supposed to be together.
I miss my husband.
I do my best to keep this space real. And if I'm doing that, I can't keep this front of fluff and contentment. I'm sad. I'm hurting and missing my best friend. I'm not strong enough to do this.
I know that it's temporary. I know there are people out there who have it way worse. But that's not the point. It's all relative when it comes down to it, I get that. But it doesn't make the ache in my heart hurt any less. We're halfway through it. I know the time will pass whether I'm happy or I'm sad. But I just can't seem to shake the funk. He came home this weekend, and it was like the ice broke from my insides. The blood started flowing again and I was laughing and happy and comfortable despite being so sick. And when he left, it hurt all over again.
I'm a happier me when he's around. I'm a whole person without him. I've lived without him before. But that's not the point. I chose to spend my life with him because I loved how we were together. I know this will all be over soon enough. I know someday soon this will all be something I look back on and think about how it hurt and how quickly it passed. But right now, I'm in the thick of it.
The reason we're apart is a fantastic one. This opportunity is one we'd cross the ocean for! And I'm so grateful that it's happened. And it's SO funny to me now about how resistant I was to the whole idea of moving. I didn't want to go; I didn't want to leave Charlotte. All he had to do for me to change my tune was leave. He wasn't gone three days before I was begging him to take me with him.
It's all relative.
It'll be over soon.
For now? I'm sad.