The day before our wedding
was the first time we saw each other in four months.
And somehow, we just did it.
I don't remember it being all that hard.
I was working.
Planning a wedding.
Writing a book.
I wasn't alone.
Maybe the difference is that now we're married.
The house I'm in alone is our house.
The bed I sleep in
has a giant, gaping hole where he used to sleep
(okay, not really because the dog has claimed that spot as hers now, but you get the point.)
We're supposed to be together.
I miss my husband.
I do my best to keep this space real. And if I'm doing that, I can't keep this front of fluff and contentment. I'm sad. I'm hurting and missing my best friend. I'm not strong enough to do this.
I know that it's temporary. I know there are people out there who have it way worse. But that's not the point. It's all relative when it comes down to it, I get that. But it doesn't make the ache in my heart hurt any less. We're halfway through it. I know the time will pass whether I'm happy or I'm sad. But I just can't seem to shake the funk. He came home this weekend, and it was like the ice broke from my insides. The blood started flowing again and I was laughing and happy and comfortable despite being so sick. And when he left, it hurt all over again.
I'm a happier me when he's around. I'm a whole person without him. I've lived without him before. But that's not the point. I chose to spend my life with him because I loved how we were together. I know this will all be over soon enough. I know someday soon this will all be something I look back on and think about how it hurt and how quickly it passed. But right now, I'm in the thick of it.
The reason we're apart is a fantastic one. This opportunity is one we'd cross the ocean for! And I'm so grateful that it's happened. And it's SO funny to me now about how resistant I was to the whole idea of moving. I didn't want to go; I didn't want to leave Charlotte. All he had to do for me to change my tune was leave. He wasn't gone three days before I was begging him to take me with him.
It's all relative.
It'll be over soon.
For now? I'm sad.
I can only imagine how you're feeling. I know that "they" say that you should be able to function and be happy without your spouse, but I don't agree. If you're happier without your spouse, then you shouldn't be married. I get sad/lonely on long business trips, nights he works late, etc. I think that it says great things about your marriage that you are happier with him than without him.
ReplyDeleteBeing away from people you love is so hard. And there really isn't anything that makes it better until the situation ends. I hope time flies!
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry to hear your hurting! It's so understandable and you can't think about others who have it worse, what your feeling is real and important too and hurts too, just maybe differently. I'll send a little prayer up for a comforted heart to help you get through the rest of this! Good luck!
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